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Category Archives: uncategorized
it’s been a loooong time for one of these, but vintage throwbacks serve a purpose.
so here it is, what i iz learning’d:
that i am not always right, and that sometimes, i soooooo am. that breathing is usually a good answer to any question. that my soulmates are anyone i’m talking with. that sometimes i pop into a new reality, and only some people look familiar, but all of us are here to be fulfilled… to enjoy. and those no longer here are simply showing up in different configurations (read: values). that snow and open, wide plains are the reboot. that when i look at the sky, i feel less alone than ever. and sometimes the sky looks like the eyes of a child, or an adult with child* that laughing loud and laughing often is the old school way: how else can we surpass our greatest “defeats” with an eye toward what must become more? that pinwheel cookies are snacks, and meals, too. that Godliness is alive and well. that the wee hours are here, waiting, for someone to listen. and that, yes, completely, we are here to THRIVE <3
i can’t divulge how i came to reconnect with this song or i will out myself as a total geek, but god damn, this is a good one! also, as unrelated as this video featuring race-car-driving, i recently drove a nascar. full suit and gear, strapped into the car like i was literally part of it. i had a moment where i got claustrophobic… when they pinned the netting into the side window and i couldn’t see anything except a narrow, hazy, rectangular view straight in front of me. i thought, “i don’t know if i can do this.” i almost puked. i almost screamed and asked them to let me out. instead, i took a long, deep breath that lasted for what felt like the last one, and said internally, “no. i will do this. i may die. i don’t know. but i’m going to go with where i find myself at this moment. i am going to be right here and do this”–which happened to be wedged into a car that, by the way, is built to fly apart on impact, such that i would conceivably be unharmed if i crashed. sounds like life… supernova steez.
i survived… got into it… enjoyed it, even. hmmm.
this looks like a yoga pose. i bet yogis looked to trees for poses… i think trees are planet earth’s wisest beings, having figured out how to be still and yet grow at the same time.
my name was called…
yes, friends and lovers, this is the collision of life and art. try not to rubberneck. tomorrow i am among friends… and i am bernadette.
first day of shooting on Among Friends is tomorrow! :D let’s see how a world looks once it’s been pushed out of my brain and through my fingertips. more colorful, more detailed… more bloody? weeeeeheeeeeee!~
so that script i blogged about a little bit ago is in pre-production! it seems like we were working towards this milestone for so long, but it’s only been a couple months. weird how time is like silly putty. i wonder if space is, too ;)
i printed out my script today and got all nerdy with it, as i like to do. this helps me with my anxiety, but there’s also something deeper at play. each day before we shoot a scene, i’ll take the cute leetel mini post-it off. by the day we wrap, there will be none. it’s this odd but physical reflection of the work i do as an actress. because you know, you’re shooting and shooting and there’s nothing really to show for it yet. but when i look at a clean-edged script, i can see that, i don’t know… that i did something.
it’s time to go down another rabbit hole. i’m looking at it and i can’t see the bottom, which is both thrilling and terrifying. there’s this voice down there that i can only hear with my heart, telling me to jump. perhaps that’s just my own echo? either way, here i go…….
what he said:
“[T]here is no way writers can be tamed and rendered civilized. Or even cured. In a household with more than one person, of which one is a writer, the only solution known to science is to provide the patient with an isolation room, where he can endure the acute stages in private, and where food can be poked in to him with a stick. Because, if you disturb the patient at such times, he may break into tears or become violent…
No one enjoys writing… There is no way to stop. Writers go on writing long after it becomes financially unnecessary… because it hurts less to write than it does not to write.”
- Robert A. Heinlein
Dr. Richard Ames, The Cat Who Walks Through Walls
* * * * * * *
at the moment, it’s torture (that’s a little inside joke with myself). but i have this annoying drive to see it through to completion. o, how much easier it would be to hit delete and never think of this current script again! alas, i’ve dilly-dallied long enough and it’s time to catch the tiger by the tail. somehow, looking at this superdoggy pic gives me a sense of peace and calm. see ya in hell, bitchez.
future me is present me, only more. yes, i am a courageous flower, and i always turn towards the light.
YAY! just got my first CSA bag. so pretty and all organic. get in mah belly!
Roger Waters: The Wall was the best show i’ve ever seen. yeah, it was THAT good. my dad had seen it in 1980! he took us last night and it was a blast. i remember first listening to this album on our long road trips to Oklahoma from the age of 7 or so. maybe earlier? yes, my dad is a cool mofo <3
a truly remarkable experience, engaging every sense, including the ones we can’t see.
fear builds walls,
let’s tear them all down~
i’ve moved all my existing online writings into this one blog. it took a long time, so you’d better enjoy it :P
for a map of the void, see the about section.
so yeah, here it is. the grand re-opening of alyssa in wonderland. now accepting compliments.
much love to my dear friend whose father passed away recently <3
The Thing Is
to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.
- Ellen Bassbr
the part where all sorts of shifts and learnings occur, and the minutes, hours and days in between are cross-dissolved into obscurity. only it’s in slow-mo, sans edits, so it’s a little less watchable by others. but the pieces feel like a nice stretch in the morning, complete with audio. pop! ahhh.
“Just keep your longing burning, aflame; don’t lose heart. Your longing is the seed of your spirituality. Your longing is the beginning of the ultimate union with existence.” – OSHO
and here’s a rare illustration of a real-time montage of sorts, covering so much of life in under a minute. note that the subject places his finger in danger on purpose the second time. i’ve done that before. but it all ends smiling…
keep it real, rockstars. <3